Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
