if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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