I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
