He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
