It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
