Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
