We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
