I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
