3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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