I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
