I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
