How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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