is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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