haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
