Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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