Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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