So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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