the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
