woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
