It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I love having hate sex.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
