Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I think my fart just growled at me.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
