Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
