Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
