And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
