What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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