$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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