Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
