I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Randomize
