Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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