Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
