you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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