I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
