I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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