You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
