ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
