Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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