we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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