i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I intend to get homeless drunk
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
