I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
