I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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