I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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