wanna go halves on a baby?
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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