Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
