His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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