Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
