Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
