I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
