im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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