dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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