Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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