Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
